Today, we will rewrite our essay and try to get a better score. First let's get some advice on how to make it better.

Spend some time looking at the feedback analysis window on Criterion from your last essay. It looks like this:


Redundancy:
  Most people did well in grammar. However the 'criterion' software noticed that many people used the same word many times within their essay. This is called 'redundancy' and is a bad thing in English writing.
  The reason is that it may confuse the reader. They will wonder why you are giving more information than you need to. They may think that you are talking about a new thing and not the thing you were talking about before.
  Another reason is that this is how texts are connected in English. The reader expects your writing to be connected.
  A third reason is called 'elegant variation'. It somehow sounds more beautiful, or elegant if you vary your language.
  Of course, when speaking, redundancy is not so much of a problem, but when writing an essay try to avoid using the same word for the same thing. You need to be creative.
  Using a pronoun ( he, she, it, they...), or a substitute word or phrase ( one, someone who ( v ), etc ) is the easiest way. but
you can also use a more general term, or specific example. ( see below )

Use a specific example, or a more general term:
   Bird flu virus was found at a farm in northern Kyoto. The illness is not dangerous to humans, but has many people worried.

Use pronouns (like 'them') or substitute words (like 'one'):
  Cellphones are very popular in Japan. Almost every adult has one. Most students also own one of these devices. My students put them in their school bags during class, but then take them out at lunchtime to check for email.


  Using a dictionary for this can be dangerous. Stick to easy words and think of a phrase that says nearly the same thing! Look at my example of different ways to say 'teacher' and 'student'.

Teacher
instructor
someone who teaches
educator
adviser
someone teaching as a profession
someone helping people to learn something

Student
learner
someone who studies
pupil
someone learning something
someone studying a subject
someone taking a class

  The next essay will be about leaders and members. You must compare being a leader of something with being just a member of something. Before you come to class, please download the sheet here and think of different ways to say these things. Please bring this sheet to class.


Now, read my natto essay again. I have changed some of the words to avoid using the same ones twice.
Green = Words that refer to 'Natto'
Red = Words that refer to " a person who ate Natto "

I really hate Natto.

  First of all, these fermented soy beans smell terrible. The first time I smelled it, I thought it was a stinky foot. Even now if I catch a whiff of it, I think something must be rotten like spoiled meat or a dead animal. 

  Secondly, the stuff looks terrible. It is slimy and sticky when you stir it up, seeming something like moldy leftovers that have been in the back of the refrigerator at a single man's apartment for over a year. Although it is considered a delicacy, It certainly does not look like something safe to put in your mouth! 

  Finally, the food is very messy. It is stringy and sticks to everything it touches. For this reason it usually spills on the floor or leaves a hard-to-clean residue on the fingers and face of the person who eats it. The individual then goes around all day with the substance on his or her hands and mouth and gives off a terrible odor. People around the unknowing culprit, like their family, get angry because of the smell. 

  For these reasons, I believe Natto is the worst food on the planet earth and should be banned from stores and made illegal to produce.
 

Note: Criterion has a problem. It would now tell me that I have used 'it' redundantly. Let's just ignore this!